Email Teardown #4: Keep it short for mobile

One of the best ways to learn something is to see it in action. Here's the fourth teardown (and build-up) in this content series, where we rewrite real cold emails.

Subject: Lavender’s Anonymous Traffic

Hi Chelsea -

Based on my research I see you have significant traffic on the Lavender site. How do you determine who is most likely to convert when 98%+ of your visitors are anonymous?

Fact: ~9% of web visitors have high buying intent right now. You just can’t see them.

Trying to pinpoint those anonymous visitors that have legitimate buying intent is not easy.

Strategies like asking for an email address end up with high abandon rates. And ID reveal tools typically only have a match rate of 30%, still leaving 70% of your visitors ignored.

Lift AI accurately predicts the ‘website buyer intent’ of every individual visitor in real-time based on their behaviour, even if they are 100% anonymous. No other tool can do this.

With Lift AI integrated companies including Fluke Biomedical have seen a 245%+ increase in revenue per conversation.

Interested in converting the anonymous visitors with high intent currently on your site?

Let’s chat,
Krista

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‍Rewrite
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‍Subject: Website Traffic

Hey Chelsea,

Looks like Lavender’s site is getting ~3.5k visitors per month.

With that traffic, curious how you’re identifying the visitors that are likely to convert.

Typically teams ask for emails but abandon rates increase…

Making it hard to send qualified leads to AEs like Spencer to turn into pipeline.

Lift AI finds and shows you the ‘website buyer intent’ of anonymous visitors in real-time.

Worth seeing how?

Best,

Krista

PS: Stuck at a 215 score on the Lavender game! Any tips haha.

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What we changed and why:

The initial email has 153 words and my rewrite has 67 (not including the PS). Shortening the email keeps it skimmable and easy to read on a phone. Most cold emails are opened on a phone (80%) so it’s super critical to make sure everything can be read “above-the-fold”. In the initial email you’d have to scroll on a mobile device to read it. More of a time commitment that you haven’t earned from the reader.

The initial email also includes a lot of stats. Common practice to include them for social proof, but sometimes those numbers can get marked as spam by filters and it also seems disingenuous to the reader. There’s not enough context. Also the “~9% of web visitors have high buying intent right now” has an informative tonality. This tends to negatively affect reply rates so I opted for more unsure-sounding terms.

Also, the first line leads with the assumption that there is significant website traffic. More specificity would make it seem like “Hey I really know what I’m talking about”. I used ahrefs.com’s website traffic checker to get an approximate number. We also have to think “Why does it matter to identify these leads for Chelsea?”. Chelsea might not be the one converting the leads BUT she is measured by the amount of pipeline generated from the leads she sends to Sales. At least that’s typically the case for Marketing to sales handoffs. So we need to outline the problems she might be having in doing so. Asking for emails -> more drop-off -> less leads to Sales -> Marketing misses their number.